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Another word that I just found .. I cant find any other word to describe my current situation but that.
I never thought being lonely is such a bad thing, I am lonely almost 80% of my entire 18 years of life spent with loneliness.
Ever since I was a toddler, my mom was busy with her university, so was my dad.
Elementary school, my dad was very busy with his job, and he went to South Africa for a little while.
Maybe, this kind of loneliness is a different kind of loneliness, it’s like a hunger that eating me up inside. This is not the kind of loneliness in which I need tons of caring and loving, screw that.
this is the kind of loneliness I found within myself, because through this long journey I havent found myself, and I realized that I miss Habibah Hermanadi, where the hell is she?
Sometime I think through my actions and my words, I’ll eventually found her. Or maybe not, my life is not a puzzle, it’s not a game too. It’s something that I have to deal with right away.
I knew that I always say that Invitation for National University Placement Test is nothing but bullcrap, but deep inside of me I did think about that.
Sometime I feel like, maybe, just maybe these competitions I won will be appreciated. somehow.
Because inside of this winning face, there’s a tired body, a tired a mind, and exhausted soul. Sometime, I wonder if any of those will pay off.
One of the reason of why I am a competition freak is because my coach told me :
” keep you certificates, they meant a lot to me, and those are weapons for me entering university.”
and now I am starring at these certificates, they are nothing but bunch of meaningless papers. What am I going to do with them? It took me weeks of practice, heck, I’ve been practicing forever in order to get those certificates or trophies .. but then, after winning things, after the applause is finished, what do I get? Nothing. just an awkward silence, in which I’d feel like a complete left out.
What I realized, through these meaningless championships I’ve been through .. I havent developed into a better human being, still a stuck up young girl who’s highly confused with life.
If only I had the time to study more, and not relying on competitions .. maybe my life will be much brighter. Because frankly, these competitions brought me no-where.
yes, I met some new amazing people.
yes, the experience was great.
yes, I got some money too.
but then, what? nothing, just a sore-emptiness in which I have to deal with by myself. I could have passed my life without going through these competitions, without knowing what’s like to win, without knowing what’s like to lose.
I thought these competitions will cheer me up, make me proud of myself, or anyone. But, truth be told, the more I win, the more I hate myself for not being better. The more disappointments appear here and there.
trophies, certificates, loud cheering .. turned into nothing.
I remembered how those things were my reason on fighting in each and every competitions I’ve been through.
Look how I ended up being the lowest out of the lowest. haah ..
wohoo, 2nd place for IREC speech competition. :D happy happy happy me :)
I propose a new idealistic “Media” controlling system, for Indonesia and other South East Asian Nations in order to maintain our young age mental and moral development. To re-build Eastern values, and to unite the post-imperialism countries, to be one.
3 questions were given to me, against my proposal :
1. you gave a proposal that meant to give barrier to creativity and freedom of expression, isnt that completely backfiring the idea of Democracy that we all hold together?
- In every political system, there’s such thing as fence. That fence was created by the government, in order to keep everything in pace. We need this fence, because we are talking about democracy right now, not absolute freedom. those two things are completely different.what I am creating is just a fence, a fence to unite our own nation, not to hold their backs.
2. I cant see a red line toward how media will educate people, and how the ASEAN could be a part of it. Can you be more specific on that?
- I am just going to take an example from a country which used Media as their main way to educate and motivate people. Post world war II, in Japan it is airing in any media that they will rebuild Japan, they will bring back Japan in their glorious feet again. But they need people to support that act. That kind of thing is what airing on the media, it made their people unite and have one goal, to rebuild Japan. Imagine, the ASEAN committee agreed to do such a thing, to rebuild South East Asian nations with this system, isnt that the purpose of ASEAN on the first place?
3. Wow, you are such an idealistic girl. But i wonder if you have to put your shoes on the capitalist mind, to be realistic for a while, what would you say if you are about to counter your own proposal?
- uumm .. aaa .. rrggg .. zzz .. well, if I am a journalist, I will say, the freedom of media is my breath, and if the young mind is easily driven by information, it means that the formal section of education had failed to provide filters into their minds. so yeah, that’s it.
in conclusion, I was having a hard time countering my own proposal, or creating an anti-thesis toward my own. as a debater, my coach taught me that .. when you said ” I will protect the rights of LGBT.” then until the very end of the debate, you will protect that rights no matter what others said. So, when I hang on my proposal, i did hang on my best, but when I have to create reasons on attacking my own thesis, it’s kinda hard, and i needed more time to think. so yeah, that’s my IREC experience. see ya later peeps :)
Yes, a very interesting topic. I’ve wanted to write this since 3 weeks ago, but silly me keep on forgetting what I was about to write. So i force my brain to work this time. Why is the condition where an organism stop working is such a big thing to some and meaningless to others?
Different faiths and different religions have different reactions toward death. I believe that death means so much more than just the end of life. If life is so important, then death must be as important as it is. but since we cant see what’s going on after our body died, the living ones just have to deal with it.
Am I ready to face my own death?
Honestly, no. I am scared of it, every second of it. People are shouting YOLO, or You Only Live Once, that’s what I am really scared about, I only lived once. And by living only for one time and one time only I have to make sure that I didnt do something that I’ll regret in the future. But this “something” what is it? what is that “something” that I must finish before my time is up and I wont be regretting it? Now you see how tricky life and death, now you know why I’m gloomy almost all the time.
Does a great education is all you need to fulfill your life mission? Then you became a person who’s very dedicated to your own education, missing the beauty in life itself, and you’ll regret it at the very end.
Does serving God all the time is all you need to fulfill your life mission? Then you became a fanatic, serving God in the best way you know, forgetting His very first rule “to love everyone equally”, you declared war for those who didnt share the same beliefs as yours.
Then we will be awaken, in the dimension of the deaths. Realizing that each and every one of us are troubled, we were already given the signs but we were too busy to realize it. Too busy with living perhaps, or too busy with the idea of living.
We are seeing death everyday, different people, different stories, different causes. we are crying, mourning, etc. But does that really matter for them?
I dont know what else matter for the them.
They probably dont care if their holograms are having concerts all over the country.
Sorry for my random ramblings.
Death, my friend, is near.
Death my friend, you are near.
“Being weird is acceptable, being evil isnt.” — Prof. Widjajono Partowidagdo
I’d love to follow you (unless you post tons of K-Pop stars, yes, I have to set everything straight between us)
Music is my hot hot Sex
SONGASM!
(via strawberrystardust)