No, Louis C.K I am Trying to Accept What’s on My Bowl so Leave me Alone .. HAHA
Louis C.K once said .. the only time you should be looking at others bowl is to check whether they have enough but not to compare what’s on your bowl. In simple logic it equals that I shall never be envious regarding what’s happening on other people’ bowls (it sounded so dumb when I’ve written things like this) ..
Even though in reality .. in reality ..
I am jealous. Jealous of most of my friends who got to live their dream. Even though I am not absolutely sure of which one is which I feel like my friends or people my age are doing what they ought to do while they were young. Its not that I am not doing what I lam ought to do .. I feel like the journey towards adulthood equals I, a responsible person, losing each and every of my hobby/interest and be more focused on what’s real.
the question is .. what is real and not real became blurry. I see people my age travel, play sport, music, and dedicate their life to what they like. Perhaps when they are 40 those things would not matter anymore, perhaps what they do right now would become their stepping stone towards their careers later on .. but what is it left for me to love but to dedicate myself to one thing and one thing only .. be responsible, finishing college, getting a degree, reading journals, writing journals, eventually becoming a researcher, getting paid for what I do. It sounded very ideal, but I am jealous to those who are capable to do more than one thing at once because I feel like being responsible to my family (as a daughter and potential future wife or mother) and being responsible to myself (as a devoted God-fearing student) is such a hard thing and I could not multitask ..
Everyday everything falls apart, each and every of my interests became meaningless as I have to dedicate myself to one thing and one thing only. No, I do love pursuing knowledge and would be the happiest person on earth if I could end up as a researcher and a wife later on but I feel like an empty vessel with no desire towards anything else.. so empty, so shallow, I am a ghoul .. living-less (yes, I am aware that’s not a word, but if Shakespeare could invent words why couldn’t I? *rhetorical I already knew the answer, shush don’t be so bossy on me). Remember that time when I wrote about modernized people? Yes, I think I am becoming one of them. It is what this era demands from us, soulless dedicated workers, even those who pursue the road of academics.
But then again .. I remember how my parents let go each of what they used to like in order becoming a functional responsible adult. Because when we like something we tend to neglect the other thing. Just like my dad who used to like playing sports, now he has no time for sports, true he’s older than he used to be, I feel like his age gives more reasons for him to do sport in order to be more fit. But then again, there are more serious agendas that he had to deal with, more important than sports so that he said goodbye to his beloved sports. My mum who likes gardening now only do what’s necessary for her dearest vegetations (haha I really have no interest in gardening whatsoever) and be more focused on being a homemaker.. Granted my parents are doing it sincerely because they know what they must do, but is that the price that I have to pay when I am older and walking towards adulthood?
My mom always gives example of those people who choose to stay young forever at heart, behavior, and on making decisions but ended up screwing the system. I don’t want to end up like that, but I feel like I am not ready to be a responsible adult immediately.. I know the kind of adults I am referring to are the ones who make less errors and wrong decisions as I always do .. I can hear my conscience speaks to me regarding the fact that I need to be wise but another part of my brain which is my juvenile elementary mind fights harder than anything, and it would eventually lead to foulness. The sad part is I do have the ability to understand both of those matters and it made me feel like a bipolar almost-adult (yes, I am self-diagnosed bipolar and I should know better) ..
I see my friends who debate seriously, I see those who play sports yet still able to maintain high GPA in class, I see those who play music yet still have time to attend classes and to have a social life. Yet for me .. I have to choose one or I am going to lose all. Even though deep down I feel like I deserve to be at the bottom right now, thanks to my careless and reckless upbringing ..
Deep down I still want to live like a normal 19th years old who owns hobbies and interests beside her college-major. I don’t want to be an athlete anymore, but I do want to play basketball like I used to. I dont want to be a professional pianist anymore, but I would love to attend piano course again perhaps adding a jazz class. I dont want to be a photo-journalist, but I still want to take pictures and give long captions regarding what’s going on. But if I really wanted to be a serious researcher and be a responsible person who knows her role.. Then I should kiss those things goodbye, as nothing should divert my mind from my actual goal. I need to work harder or I might lose it all ..
Right now, I feel like I am that slowpoke who’s trying to catch up with my friends, on the other hand .. my life is screaming at my face because I need to switch up to the fast lane as my biological clock is ticking, and my time is limited unlike most of my friends.
I am a hypocrite. Instead of speeding up, here I am writing this .. oh, Beeba, the once-upon-a-time-mighty-beeba-but-right-now-just-a-broken-toy .. you don’t deserve leisure time nor hobbies. You have to pay up for what you’ve done in your past, capish?
yes, I am aware of that.