Why am I so Shallow?
Couple of years ago I asked my friend James,
"why can’t I think about hungry children somewhere in Africa or even in my country? Why can’t I pack my bags and volunteer somewhere remotely far far away, to those who need me. Is there anyone in the part of the world who needs me? Why am I so shallow? Why, instead of focusing myself on being a bigger help towards the society I only think about my grades? or even the kind of food I crave? Why do I postpone helping people until I become someone? Is it really true that I have to wait to become ‘someone’ like Bill Gates, then I could help people? am I a monster?"
and he said, I over-think. But, I could not rest until I got the answer of those questions. I do want to contribute to the society, but I guess I am too focusing my lens on myself. The thought of myself is freaking me out, and blocking my head from doing something better towards the world. Instead, I curled up in my bed, under my blanket, facing massive headache and grades I am not proud of. *living the life* I honestly want to get up and give, but I am not enough of a saint to think about it on my daily basis. I don’t know how Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or all those volunteers all over the world think, am I romanticizing their existence as super-humans? or they do have what’s called sincerity. The one I crave for.
I have to be grateful enough, to feel genuinely happy everyday, with the food on the fridge, my beloved living-together-making-it-strong parents, a nice university. and when I reach a certain level of genuine uncovered gratefulness I’d might stop thinking about my happiness and start giving happiness to others. HOWEVER, I used to think that .. the gift of knowledge is the kind of gift I could contribute, thus I want to be a lecturer, a teacher. But, today I wake up, and I feel like, it is not enough. At what point do goods can be considered enough? Or do we excel, raising the bar and the quality of our good act? but, what if my current standard of goodness is kinda low?
you know what, I think I have to cogitate longer, or this posts will be filled with unnecessary questions that came up into my mind. Kinda lonely here, I miss talking to humans.